Boundaries and Assertiveness

On Boundaries and Assertiveness

When considering the exploration of self-esteem, healthy boundaries, and
assertiveness, it is important to delve into the essence of boundaries and the
experience of maintaining them and having them crossed. How does one discern
between what feels right and fulfilling versus what feels wrong and
disconcerting? It involves being centred within oneself, present in the moment,
and reflecting on emotional responses such as anger and disappointment after
social interactions.

Examining these contrasting emotional states provides valuable insights into
what aligns with our well-being and what does not in each situation. Developing
an awareness of internal experiences, quieting the mind to connect with feelings
and bodily sensations, and understanding the root of those emotions are
essential practices in this journey.
Consider, for instance, the manifestation of anxiety—racing thoughts, tension,
restlessness—arising from an interaction where personal boundaries felt
violated. Simply experimenting with sensing an imaginary boundary around
oneself and noticing the internal shifts when establishing this boundary may
reveal a subtle sense of strength and completeness.
In scenarios where anxiety might stem from a reluctance to assert oneself, the
power of an honest "no" becomes evident—a commitment to self that enhances
feelings of safety and peace. If such a sense of inner security is elusive, envision
what it feels like to be truly at home within your own space. The inability to
recall the last time one felt most authentic, most like themselves, signals
underdeveloped boundaries—either excessively open or closed.
Becoming the captain of our own ships entails navigating boundaries,
discerning what to allow in and what to keep out. Imagine facing harsh criticism
while maintaining a solid, intact boundary, not absorbing hurtful comments but
rather evaluating them from a grounded perspective. This skill fosters the ability
to consider external input without being deeply affected by judgments,
criticisms, views, or opinions.

Understanding healthy boundaries and repairing ruptured ones is often not
ingrained to our upbringing. Some may unconsciously adopt an open-door
policy, absorbing external influences without critical evaluation, while others
might be overly guarded due to past hurts. The good news is that, regardless of
age, one can learn to cultivate healthy boundaries step by step, akin to building
muscles or acquiring a new skill.
Yet, it is crucial to acknowledge that this process is ongoing, requiring
dedication and effort. Establishing a routine of self-reflection on boundaries,
staying attuned to your felt sense, and checking one’s integrity throughout the
day are some constructive ways to solidify a sense of self and authenticity.
Additionally, having an attitude of learning from experiences rather than
viewing challenges or setbacks as failures is very important.

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Investing in one's sense of self, boundaries, and self-esteem is paramount for
mental well-being, which, in turn, influences overall health. Despite the natural
inclination to avoid confronting insecurities and difficult emotions, facing these
challenges in manageable steps contributes to personal growth. It is a journey
that will also evoke discomfort but ultimately leads to increased self-esteem,
confidence, and empowerment as you step outside your comfort zone in a
deliberate and safe manner.

I am consistently struck by how people enthusiastically invest time and
resources in various pursuits—hobbies, possessions, fitness routines, and
more—yet overlook fundamental aspects like their self-perception, boundaries,
and self-esteem, crucial pillars for mental well-being (directly impacting overall
health). The reality is, we often resort to extreme measures to sidestep facing
our insecurities, fears, sadness, and emotional pain—understandably so, as
nobody willingly wants to endure more suffering than necessary.
What often eludes us is the fact that, for our overall well-being, we must
gradually confront these fears instead of going to great measures in avoiding
them. This is often not a comfortable process, although we often feel
empowered after confronting our fears in a skilled way. It involves facing
discomfort and stepping into the unknown in measured, manageable increments.
Persisting with the practice over time, you will consistently discover solid
ground on the other side, even when the experience initially might feel akin to
stepping off the edge of a cliff.

In the short term, heightened emotional turbulence and distress is common and
expected. Yet, crucially, as we permit ourselves to confront these challenging
feelings and sensations, we cultivate a resilient sense of self-esteem, confidence,
and empowerment. The growth occurs precisely as we intentionally step beyond
our comfort zones in a calculated, secure manner.

References
Levine, Peter A, 2015, In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and
Restores Goodness

Lynch, Terry, 2011, SELFHOOD: A Key to the Recovery of Emotional Wellbeing, Mental
Health and the Prevention of Mental Health Problems or A Psychology Self Help Book
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